EXCLUSIVE:2012-13 NFL Rule Changes Revealed
With the shockwaves of the announced cancellation of the 2011-12 NFL football season freshly rippling across the nation, It’s Football has received an exclusive first look at the massive rule changes that will take place the next time our heros step on the gridiron.
While the owners and the players union were split on many issues, they agreed on three general concepts that need to be addressed. Both say the league needs to become safer, more popular, and more profitable. Increased sense of sportsmanship and fair play were also on the table.
While the revamped game of football will come across as a drastic change for the die-hard fans, both sides are confident that “Football 2.0” (as the league is calling it) will not only be a hit will current fans, but attract millions of new supporters from across the globe.
The largest changes are fueled by safety concerns. The days of twenty-two obese brutes colliding with each other on every play are gone. In Football 2.0, each player performs football individually, on a one-player-at-a-time basis. Padding requirements are also beefed-up, including double-thick tailbone pads and a neck-brace similar to the HANS system used in NASCAR.
For years, studies have shown that the most popular parts of the Super Bowl are the commercials, with many of them becoming viral video sensations eclipsing the on the field highlights. The league has finally acted on this information.
Football 2.0 plays as follows. The Coach/Marketing Director on offense sends a player to the middle of the field. The whistle blows and the player has 40 seconds to pitch the product chosen by his coach/md. During the last ten seconds, the opposing team’s quarterback attempts to hit the “pitchman” in the crotch with the football. This will provide a “punchline” to the pitch, and help it to go viral.
At the end of the play response to the “pitch” is measured on Twitter and unmoderated ESPN comment boards. During the first six weeks of the season, a number will be displayed for families without internet connections to text in their response. This internet feedback will be interpreted by the celebrity field judges (the league is currently in talks with Tony Dungy, Shania Twain, and Charlie Sheen), and if the judges are throughly impressed, a touchdown is awarded.
This new-look football will have a large impact on game strategy and player personnel. The new rules favor wholesome good looks and ability to read a teleprompter over physical speed and strength. Obese players will still be at an advantage, as the audience will better relate to them. Also, controversial players like Terrel Owens and Chad Ochocinco will be in demand for the “water cooler factor”.
Sportsmanship will be emphasized in the new format as well. If the quarterback does connect with the pitchman’s crotch, the two must immediately shake hands and smile at the camera to show that it was “all in good fun”. Also, on fourth down beyond field goal range, the team’s kicker must deliver a PSA.