EXCLUSIVE:2012-13 NFL Rule Changes Revealed

With the shockwaves of the announced cancellation of the 2011-12 NFL football season freshly rippling across the nation, It’s Football has received an exclusive first look at the massive rule changes that will take place the next time our heros step on the gridiron.

While the owners and the players union were split on many issues, they agreed on three general concepts that need to be addressed. Both say the league needs to become safer, more popular, and more profitable. Increased sense of sportsmanship and fair play were also on the table.

While the revamped game of football will come across as a drastic change for the die-hard fans, both sides are confident that “Football 2.0” (as the league is calling it) will not only be a hit will current fans, but attract millions of new supporters from across the globe.

The largest changes are fueled by safety concerns. The days of twenty-two obese brutes colliding with each other on every play are gone. In Football 2.0, each player performs football individually, on a one-player-at-a-time basis. Padding requirements are also beefed-up, including double-thick tailbone pads and a neck-brace similar to the HANS system used in NASCAR.

For years, studies have shown that the most popular parts of the Super Bowl are the commercials, with many of them becoming viral video sensations eclipsing the on the field highlights. The league has finally acted on this information. 

Football 2.0 plays as follows. The Coach/Marketing Director on offense sends a player to the middle of the field. The whistle blows and the player has 40 seconds to pitch the product chosen by his coach/md. During the last ten seconds, the opposing team’s quarterback attempts to hit the “pitchman” in the crotch with the football. This will provide a “punchline” to the pitch, and help it to go viral.

At the end of the play response to the “pitch” is measured on Twitter and unmoderated ESPN comment boards. During the first six weeks of the season, a number will be displayed for families without internet connections to text in their response. This internet feedback will be interpreted by the celebrity field judges (the league is currently in talks with Tony Dungy, Shania Twain, and Charlie Sheen), and if the judges are throughly impressed, a touchdown is awarded.

This new-look football will have a large impact on game strategy and player personnel. The new rules favor wholesome good looks and ability to read a teleprompter over physical speed and strength. Obese players will still be at an advantage, as the audience will better relate to them. Also, controversial players like Terrel Owens and Chad Ochocinco will be in demand for the “water cooler factor”.

Sportsmanship will be emphasized in the new format as well. If the quarterback does connect with the pitchman’s crotch, the two must immediately shake hands and smile at the camera to show that it was “all in good fun”. Also, on fourth down beyond field goal range, the team’s kicker must deliver a PSA.

Panthers to Sign, Start Brian St. Pierre

This is officially the most terrible football season ever, for everyone. We here at It’s Football would like to offer our apologies

Panthers to Sign, Start Brian St. Pierre

This is officially the most terrible football season ever, for everyone. We here at It’s Football would like to offer our apologies


Redskins give McNabb $78M Extension 
This is officially the most terrible football season ever, for everyone. We here at It’s Football would like to offer our apologies

Redskins give McNabb $78M Extension 

This is officially the most terrible football season ever, for everyone. We here at It’s Football would like to offer our apologies


Redskins work out JaMarcus Russell

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5755858

This is officially the most terrible football season ever, for everyone. We here at It’s Football would like to offer our apologies

Redskins work out JaMarcus Russell

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5755858

This is officially the most terrible football season ever, for everyone. We here at It’s Football would like to offer our apologies

Ray Lewis almost retired from the NFL after being charged for murder in 2000. While it didn’t seem as though his performance suffered on the field, off the field Ray was hurting. He was hurting bad. Then, in April of 2001, Ray’s life changed forever. That is when he saw the film, “Bridget Jones Diary”. After finally feeling as though the world made sense, and more importantly learning of the British TV series, “Pride & Prejudice”, Ray felt invigorated. To this day, Ray watches DVD’s of old episodes on the Saturday night before game day and leaves two tickets to each home game for a “Mr. Darcy”.

Ray Lewis almost retired from the NFL after being charged for murder in 2000. While it didn’t seem as though his performance suffered on the field, off the field Ray was hurting. He was hurting bad. Then, in April of 2001, Ray’s life changed forever. That is when he saw the film, “Bridget Jones Diary”. After finally feeling as though the world made sense, and more importantly learning of the British TV series, “Pride & Prejudice”, Ray felt invigorated. To this day, Ray watches DVD’s of old episodes on the Saturday night before game day and leaves two tickets to each home game for a “Mr. Darcy”.

Op/Ed:
The Minnesota Vikings, led by quarterback Brett Favre, have become so immoral that spectators at tonight’s game risk being turned into pillars of salt just by taking their seats and gazing upon the field.
Brett Favre should have known better. Brett, you pay the victims obscene amounts of money to keep quiet before they go to the press. Have we forgotten all of the lessons of the Bush Era already?

Op/Ed:

The Minnesota Vikings, led by quarterback Brett Favre, have become so immoral that spectators at tonight’s game risk being turned into pillars of salt just by taking their seats and gazing upon the field.

Brett Favre should have known better. Brett, you pay the victims obscene amounts of money to keep quiet before they go to the press. Have we forgotten all of the lessons of the Bush Era already?

Jay Cutler. A terrible human being.

Jay Cutler. A terrible human being.

(via barelysarcasm)

Larry Kelly, the star of this summer’s “INCEPTION”.

Larry Kelly, the star of this summer’s “INCEPTION”.

Tim Tebow was reported both wanted and missing by the Denver police department. Shortly after this photograph was taken, Mr Tebow confused the infant with a football and “spiked” the baby before removing his shirt and jumping into the front row of non-existent spectators. 

Tim Tebow was reported both wanted and missing by the Denver police department. Shortly after this photograph was taken, Mr Tebow confused the infant with a football and “spiked” the baby before removing his shirt and jumping into the front row of non-existent spectators.